In the Rain, the Pavements Shine Like Silver

Hello everyone. I have adopted the tradition of using song lyrics of the titles of my blogs. This one is a little obscure. It's from a song called "On My Own" from the musical, Les Miserables. I'm not exactly sure what the musical is about because I have never seen it, but I love the music that I've heard from it. It has a beautiful melody that twirls its flowing trails of music around your mind, ensnaring your emotions and manipulating them to be what they want them to be.

So, the song is very sad. Here are the lyrics:

On my own

Pretending he’s beside me

All aloneI walk with him till morning

Without him

I feel his arms around me

And when I loose my way

I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain

The pavement shines like silver

All the lights

Are misty in the river

In the darkness

The trees are full of starlight

And all I see is him and me

Forever and forever

And I know

It’s only in my mind

That I’m talking to myself

And not to him

And although

I know that he is blind

Still I say

There’s a way for us

I love him

But when the night is over

He’s gone

The river’s just a river

Without him

The world around me changes

The trees are bare

And everywhere

The streets are full of strangers

I love him

But every day I’m learning

All my life

I’ve only been pretending

Without me

His world will go on turning

A world that's full of happiness

That I have never known

I love him

I love him

I love him

But only on my own

So okay, I know it's sad, but it is so beautiful. You must listen. =] ♥

Think About You

[Here are some lyrics to a song the love of my life played for me.][They fit us perfectly.]

Think About You

Say baby you been lookin' real good

I remember when we met

Funny how it never felt so good

It's a feelin' that I knowI know I'll never forget

Ooh it was the best time

I can remember

Ooh and the love we shared-is lovin' that'll last forever

There wasn't much

in this heart of mine

There was a little left

and babe you found it

It's funny how I never felt so high

It's a feelin' that I know

I know I'll never forget

Ooh it was the best thing

I can remember

Ooh and the love we shared-

is lovin' that'll last forever

I think about you

Honey all the time

my heart says yes

I think about you

Deep inside I love you best

I think about you

You know you're the one I want

I think about you

Darlin' you're the only one

I think about you

Somethin' changed in this heart of mine

An' I'm so glad that ya showed me

Funny how I never felt so high

It's a feelin' that I know

I know I'll never forget

Ooh it was the best time

I can remember

Ooh and the love we shared-

is lovin' that'll last forever

-Guns 'n Roses

"Think About You"

Falling

This weekend was amazing. The love of my life and I danced to songs, we watched movies, and we went on a surprise picnic. I love him more than ever, and I don't care that he is far away because we'll always see each other in the end. That thought made me happy and I realize that I shouldn't be sad just because he's not here in body, because I know he's here in spirit. He has my heart and I his.

I'm

f

a

l

l

i

n

g

in love.

Again.

I love him and I know we will be together until the end.

Memories [In Honor of My Angel's and My Anniversary]

Hello everyone. I got Comcast today, so my posts will now be a little more regular. YAY!

There's a lot on my plate in school at the moment. Finals are coming up, and I'm super-stressed. I just need a little time where I'm not worrying about school or assignments due or drama or any of that.

As for this weekend; it was "fantasta-magical."

May 23 was the day that marked one year with my life; my love; my angel. It has been a tumultuous year, I must say. I'm going to remember some times during that year. I've gone into two or so depressions. Speaking of which, I remember....

**flashback sequence** I remember when my love told me he was leaving. He was moving. My heart shattered inside my chest as the words left his lips. My smile remained painted on my face, but my soul was crying. My eyes showed the pain, and that made it worse for my angel. I felt so bad. The days before he left passed so quickly; I found myself trying to forget the future: hold it in until he left and he wouldn't have to see me break down.

His last day was so painful for me, and for him as well, even though he acted as though it was okay. The day after that, it was raining. I took a walk; nobody could see me crying. I let my legs go and they went to his house. I knelt to the ground on the sidewalk and sobbed my heart out with the rain as my witness.

I went home, and went straight to my room. There, I lay in bed, shaking. My heart was broken. It hurt so bad. I couldn't stop crying; my eyes were swollen and my hands were wet with the waterfall issuing from my eyes. I eyed the razor on my desk and contemplated cutting my wrists open. I thought maybe it would distract me and make me feel better. I was so very close to doing so, until I realized that he would see the marks, and that would hurt him more. That was the only reason I didn't slice them open. So, you could say my angel saved my life.

So, I cried until I passed out.

Everything inside me went numb. I shut down completely. I only reacted to my surroundings, and barely that. I didn't eat or drink very much. At most, I'd eat something small every few days. The only reason I would drink is becuase I could feel myself dehydrating. I almost passed out several times. I was so weak, but I couldn't bring myself to eat. I was completely numb emotionally. The only thing I felt was pain and sadness, but I think my body shut that down too becuase I probably wouldn't have been able to handle it in its true form.

God, I never want to do that again. I saw myself in a mirror one day [I had been avoiding them] and I saw my eyes. Usually they are pretty shiny and bright. What I saw scared me beyond belief. They were dull. But more frighteningly, they were blank. There was no life in them whatsoever. I decided that I needed to snap back into it.

Slowly, the sadness faded.

It's still there, although it's not so bad. I can usually ignore it or keep it under the surface until I have a bad day or something. I must say, though, my eyes are never the same when he is not around. They never keep that sparkle; they never are as bright, never as alive as they are when he's around. They are only alive and sparkly around him. I love him so much. He saved my life, and he is my life.

I must say to my angel who is probably crying while reading this:

Baby, I can handle the pain. It doesn't even matter compared to the happiness I feel when you are around. They cancel out, and the happiness strongly overpowers the sad. Believe me, angel.

And please, please, please don't think that it is your fault. It was not. It never was; you give me only happiness.

I love you.

♥

Apologies

Hello everyone.
Internet status today: still down.
This really sucks.
I really hate Verizon… with passion.

Anyway, my week has been painfully free of phone conversations [this makes me sad]. However, my week has been [also painfully] full of drama. I remember I once mentioned a friend of mine in one of my earlier posts, and I’m talking about this person. The reason I’m not disclosing names is because this is a personal issue that they are dealing with and I don’t feel that I have the right to disclose personal information about a person, especially when it is accessible by anyone and everyone. Plus, they trusted me with this knowledge, and I keep secrets the best I can [which is pretty well, if I do say so myself].
Alright so my friend, who I will call T, has a problem. T cuts him/her self. T confided in me about this a while ago, and when I asked to see T’s wrists one day, T was reluctant to show me. Then another one of my friends named L asked me why I would say that, and I said quietly “because [s] he cuts him/her self.”
I already felt bad enough about this because I wasn’t planning on telling anyone T’s secret, and I felt really bad about it all day.
The next day, T came in with a bandaged wrist. I approached T and asked if [s] he cut. My worst fears were confirmed. T had. Tears sprang to my eyes as I caught a glimpse of a deep red, irritated slash that wasn’t fully covered by the wrap. A friend I used to know did that and had tried to commit suicide via cutting. It made me so sad and made me so scared and small. I didn’t want to lose T, and I didn’t want T to be hurt. I thought one of the reasons T did that was because I told L about it. It ate me up inside that one of those cuts was made with me in mind. I can’t stand that. I felt so guilty. I was sitting with T and our fairly large group of friends, and I looked over at T. T had such a sad look on his/her face when T looked at me, I started crying. Full-on tears. My friend R asked me what was wrong and I just said “I can’t sit here” and I went away.

I felt really bad. And I don’t think T will ever see this, but I just have a message for him/her.

T, we all love you. Everyone loves you. And those cuts on your wrists don’t hurt just you. They hurt Laura, they hurt Shanahan, they hurt Bobbert, they hurt Rashayshay, they hurt Yoshi, and they hurt me. I know you don’t want to tell me anything about why, and I know you probably don’t trust me enough yet to confide in me, but I just want you to know that I am here. I will listen. I will try to help. I know you probably think I betrayed you by telling L, and I’m truly sorry. I didn’t know it would affect you that badly. I’m so sorry, T. I’m so sorry. I just want everyone to be happy, and I don’t want you to hurt. Please just know that you can trust me, and that I’ll never tell anyone about your secrets again.
I feel like it was my fault that you did it.
I’m so sorry.

Can't Help Falling in Love with You...

Hello everyone.

Verizon Status of the Day: This internet thing has hit a new record low. Out of approximately one week, it has been up for less than one minute.
~~~
I came to a somewhat-expected realization today. Even though it was somewhat-expected, it was still a little surprising. I realize right now that people reading this are annoyed at me because I haven’t yet told them what my realization was. Patience, impatient readers; I have a little story before I tell you.
I love my boyfriend. More than anyone [including myself] will ever know. We have been together for almost one year, and it has been one of the best times of my life so far. He changed me into a better person, helped me through some tough s**t, and helped me view myself in a more positive light. He is the best friend; the only one I’d ever want.
Okay, so now it’s time for my realization. [For those who skipped that to read this part, as my friend tom would say: DEATH!][J]
My realization was this: that I have fallen even deeper in love with this amazing angel of mine. I used to just be in love with him. I mean, I loved him a dazzlingly large amount before, but now; it’s different. I love him on a different level. It’s deeper. I realize that I don’t trust many, but him I now realize I trust completely. This is a little scary for someone like me, but going out on a branch, knowing full well that I could fall and that branch could snap, doesn’t seem so scary since it is my angel that I’m trusting. I realize now that our relationship is much more different than the superficial high school drama ones that I see around me so often. I mean, the bond is there [most of the time] but it isn’t deep enough to last a lifetime. I think ours is. I have faith in us, and my psychic dreams aren’t usually wrong [ask my friends]. I realize now that lying in his arms is the only place I want to be. It literally is paradise. My personal heaven. If I died, that would be my Summerland. It is now.
I look forward to the days when we live together; when we can do whatever we want; where we don’t have to hide our feelings for each other. I look forward to laughing with him at tacky Sci-Fi channel horror movies late at night. I look forward to falling asleep in his arms every night. I look forward to waking up at my first sight being his beautiful face.
His beauty transcends the superficial. It stretches through his personality; his soul. He possesses a unique beauty that is one of the most amazing things with which I have ever come into contact. It is a blessing knowing him. My angel once said: Every time you look at me, w/ your loving eyes and beautiful smile, my dream comes true. A dream is knowing you. Heaven is being loved by you. I’m in love with you and always will be.♥

Take my hand,
Take my whole life, too
‘Cause I can’t help falling in love with you.
-[some older song]

Poem

Ugh, today has been an overall boring day because the love of my life left earlier in the day. I dread asking that horrid question: “When are you going to be picked up?” I like to appreciate every single moment we share together, since they are painfully few, so I have to ask that question so I can cherish those last few moments. I love him with all of my heart so I want all the time I can get with him. I have no idea when my internet connection will be back up, so that basically translates into me not having much time to speak to my love, which I really hate. I want to murder Verizon. But, guess what?!?!? Justice [and my mom] prevailed! I am switching providers from Verizon [die!] to Comcast [u had better be good or else!]. The only downside is that I have to wait two more weeks until the Verizon tech comes out.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love him so much.


I love you with all my heart.
I knew that ever since the start
Of the blossom of our love,
Took root in the heavens above.

Someone divine likes us up there.
At least someone knows how much I care.
I love you more than you’ll ever know;
That’s why I hate it when you have to go.

One of these days we will stay as one
We will watch the rising of the sun
I’ll be in your arms, protected and safe,
Loneliness with forever be a wraith,

Untouchable to you and me
Because with you, I’ll always be.

Just tell me you love me,
And I’ll always be there,
As I softly trace the features of your face,
As you kiss me and play with my hair.

I love you, angel.
♥
♥
♥

The Notebook and Strawberries

Hello, readers. Most of you probably know by now that I have a boyfriend who I love very, very much. This weekend was one of the amazing ones, mostly because he was with me. He and I watched the Notebook last evening. It was one of the oddest experiences I have ever, well… experienced. During one of the more dramatic parts in the movie, I was tracing the [almost] flawless features of his angelic face, when a single tear fell down out of his eye. I asked him what was wrong while holding back my own tears. He sat up and said “The movie.”
He cried at a chick flick before I did. And I am the girl? I think not. After I declared this, he started laughing. Or sobbing? I was not sure. I asked him, and he said that he himself did not know. So, through my tears, I started laughing. It was odd, because I was crying and laughing, but neither emotion was stronger than the other. We did this until I declared that we needed tissues. Then it was time for food. What food did he choose? Strawberries, of course. Nature’s sweet, sexy, red little aphrodisiac. THAT was fun. ;)
We resumed the movie, and for all who have seen it, know exactly why we were still bawling out eyes out ten minutes after the movie was over.
He made a statement to me that made my eyes tear; this time with joy, love, and happiness. He actually said, in words, verbally, out loud: “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Just like that. I knew right then, from the look of love in his eyes, and the softest of soft kisses placed on my tear-stained lips that he meant it. And I knew from my reaction and the swelling of my heart in my chest that I wanted the exact same thing. I want to spend my life with him. I want to never be apart from him. And it is guaranteed that he is coming over in two weeks, on the very special day of May 23, 2009. That day marks one year that my soul mate and I have been together. Granted, it wasn’t an easy year; there were many troubles, but they were overshadowed by the extreme happiness and love I have felt. It’s more happiness than I have felt in my entire lifetime. And he’s crazy if he thinks for even one second that I’m going to let go of that. I’m not sure of anything in life, but I am completely secure in the knowledge that he loves me and I love him too.

waiting

Hello once again. My internet is not working [a situation that has become the norm; I’m afraid], so I’m currently transcribing this in a normal word document, which I hate doing.
So, tomorrow, the love of my life and I will be reunited. I imagine that it will be amazing, as usual, since he never is anything less. I honestly wish that Verizon died because then I would be able to talk to him without dropped calls, rushed words, and stressful evenings. I’m a high school student; I don’t need any additional stress.
I’m starting to wonder why I even bothered to get a blog in the first place. You see, my original idea was to talk about relevant topics in politics and international affairs; the economy and the like. But as you can see, that idea quickly went down the drain, simply because I am a writer, and writer’s block and I are very good frenemies. Plus, my personal opinions about other topics oozed into my posts, so I gave up and decided to write up whatever my mind conjures.
Today I don’t want to address anything in particular, so I suppose I’ll just talk and something good will come out of it. So, as I was saying earlier before I was rudely distracted by my psyche: my boyfriend. I don’t really like that word “boyfriend” because it makes things seem so superficial. I’d prefer to call him “my love” or “my angel” or “my soul mate” because it describes my feelings towards him a lot better.
He’s coming down to my house tomorrow. Like the stereotypical girl, my first thought was “What should I wear?” and I fancy his first reaction, like a stereotypical girl, was “What do I wear?”
Then of course I realize he won’t be seen by me until around 5pm because we both have school. Damn governmental institutions!
I see that I’m rambling. Well, farewell blog readers.

Dancing Shoes

I don’t understand a lot of things going on in my life at this point in time. One of the major things I don’t understand is why the fates have separated me from my love. I hold no animosity towards them obviously, but I don’t understand why they decided to do this to us. I see couples around school all the time who take each other for granted. I also see that they don’t really love each other. I wonder why fate hasn’t taken them away from each other. I am deeply envious of my friends who are together, and I cannot keep those ugly emotions inside very long. My friends always want to go be alone, and so they ditch me in the mornings sometimes. It used to not really bother me much, but then one day one of my friends asked me about my sadness [u see that morning I had forgotten my "happy mask"] and I confided in her. Since then, she's felt bad about going away to be alone with her girlfriend. That doesn’t make me feel any better. I feel bad then because I am hindering their relationships; I don’t want to be a hanger-on. I know my friends love me, but I don’t want to ask them to stay with me. Unfortunately, they see the sadness in my eyes when I insist that I don’t mind that they go away. One time, I was very sad because my love couldn’t make it to see me, and plus, Tuesdays are the worst day of the week for me. They all left except for our only other single member, whom we affectionately call toast. Toast and I are sitting there, and I start to think about how happy I would be if my love went to my school, and to my intense surprise [and dismay] tears begin to well up in the corners of my eyes. I don’t think toast saw them, but I walked quickly to my homeroom. I don’t want repeats of that day. I don’t want my friends to pity me. I don’t want their sympathy. I don’t want the sadness. I don’t want the tears. I don’t want to be the hanger-on; the third wheel. This is what I want. It isn’t much, but it’s what I want. I want it more badly than a starving man wants food; more than a plant wants sunlight. I want the love of my life to live near where I do. I want him to go to school where I do. I want [when we get older] for the love of my life to live near me. I want him always beside me. I want it so we don’t have to be without one another anymore. I never want us to be apart.
The most I can do now, I suppose, is wait it out; count the years on my fingers until our hearts are restored. I can pray to Artemis for strength. I can pray to Athena for wisdom and guidance. I can pray to Demeter because she knows my pain. I can pray to Hermes, the Wayfinder, to send my messages of love to my angel.
A quote my friend once found said "life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
I should try that.
Strength and dancing shoes, I suppose.

erm..

Hello blogging world. I decided to go out on a limb and put one of my own written works out there on the net. I'm pretty proud of it; it's the best thing I've written besides the tragedy of Emily and Michael. It's about a kiss; a very passionate kiss. This is how my love makes me feel whenever his lips touch mine. I hope y'all like it.
Here goes:

Your eyes, dazzling orbs of amber,

Look into mine;

Dancing,

Swimming with promises and desire.

My lips tingle in anticipation, and my gaze drops

To your lips;

Tantalizing in the uncertain, dim moonlight.

Your eyes burn into mine;

Blazing with desire.

I can take it no longer!

I begin to close the distance between us,

Slowly, slowly,

Adding to the atmosphere;

The air so thick I cannot draw a breath.

Then, bliss!

Our lips meet, pressing,

pressing,

Moving against each other, building the friction,

The bittersweet heat.

My tongue dances behind my lips.

My mind is a haze,

Focused only on this kiss.

My hands slowly run up your sides,

Making you tremble and gasp.

I close your body in an embrace.

Your sweet tongue sweeps over my lips,

Teasing;

Inviting.

My lips part, and I gently explore the sacred place where the souls lie.

The essence of our lives, our deepest secrets,

Pass through one body to another.

My pulse quickens;

My blood boils

And I am out of my mind with the rush of sensation.

You withdraw, eyes closed,

Lost in the heat of the moment.

Your mouth trails from my lips,

Over my cheek,

Blazing a scalding-hot trail

Down to the sensitive flesh of my throat.

I feel your breath on my neck,

Stimulating the nerves just under your lips.

You torture,

You tease,

As your tongue dances lightly upon my skin.

A sigh escapes my lips,

My breathing escalates,

My heart thunders in my ears.

Time seems to slow,

and your lips finally touch the delicate covering of my throat.

You gently pull on the soft skin.

Your hands snake up my spine,

Caressing my arms,

My sides,

My back,

All the way up to the nape of my neck,

Tousling the hair.

My lips yearn for yours;

My body craves contact.

I pull you closer,

Squeezing you to me until we are so close we are one.

My hands gently tug at your hair,

Imploring you,

Begging you to take my kiss.

You slowly raise your head and cover my lips with yours.

Release!

My hands race over your body,

Stroking your sides.

We slowly pull apart.

You look into my eyes with a look-

A look of love and happiness.

My mind reels with a dazzling feeling of euphoria.

After you leave,

The memory of that kiss lingers;

Lingers on my lips like the last rays of sun

Remain etched into the night sky just after dusk.

And I sit alone;

My lips longing

For yours again.

So, So, So, So

Hello, blogging world. I haven't written in awhile, and I'm giving in to peer pressure, seeing as all my fellow blogger peoples have all posted things.

Life seems to have come to a standstill for me. I'm just hanging onto a couple of strings in limbo. But it's okay; I have a good grip on the strings, and I'm pretty comfortable right now. I'm feeling pretty good. The school year is coming to a close, my friends and me are all on good terms, and I've been pretty mellow. The wheel of the year is turning pretty smoothly. I'm not trying to worry about the future, because there are some things I'd rather not think about in the future.

All of my other friends seem to have some problems, and I'm trying to help them out. Recently, I discovered one of my friends was in love with this very lovable girl, and it seems the feeling is not reciprocal. Sadly, this wonderful girl is going to be strolling on another nation's soil in a while, and he doesn't seem to know what to do. I don't know either.

Doesn't it seem weird that one minute, life can be flying so fast past your eyes you feel sick, and at other times, it's traipsing along the beach. It's pretty amazing. I look foward to the new season around the wheel. Summer. I dislike the heat, but I will get some more time with the love of my life.

Speaking of which, we are doing very well at this point. I have no worries, and neither should he. We are very much in love and nothing will be getting between us anytime soon. Just take your time. As a friend of mine said, "Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I think I'm going to start dancing in the rain. It sounds fun. I just need to put my dancing shoes on and dance.

I'm just really mellow at the moment, and to all of those with problems out there, I have something I would like to say to you. Even though you probably won't believe me, everything is going to work out in the end. It is for me.