Sex isn't something to joke about.

Hello, everyone. I know that I haven't posted in over a month, and I'm very sorry about that. My life has NOT gotten any less complicated, even though it happens to be summer.
Actually, things have gotten a bit harder.
There's a particular topic about which I wish to rant.
My boyfriend doesn't get to sleep over my house anymore [not that we slept in the same room or anything]. The reason for this was a very small hickey. It was located on my chest, but above the shirt line of my low-cut tops. My mother got very angry when she saw this, and tried to take him away from me completely, but I talked her into it, very simply because if I couldn't see him, I would become a VERY depressed person.
Okay, so there's the back story. What I would like to rant about is the expectations of adults on teenagers, and the hypocritical nature of the judgements they make on us.
My mother calls me a mature, responsible young person. On the other hand, she now won't let me and my boyfriend alone for more than five minutes. Apparently, I'm not responsible enough to know my boundaries and NOT have sex.
May i proclaim to all the people with access to a computer: I AM A VIRGIN AND I PLAN TO STAY THAT WAY UNTIL I AM OVER 17 YEARS OF AGE.
No sex whatsoever until then.
I understand where my mom is coming from and all, I mean my boyfriend and I have been together over a year now, but I think she never really thought about what went on behind closed doors. Which was and still is.............................. NOTHING. The most we've done is made out rather passionately, and it has stayed at that. Nothing more than that.
This is where the hypocrisy comes in. My mother took some preconceived notions about teenagers and their flimsy, hormone-crazed flings and applied it to myself and my boyfriend, which was the WRONG thing to do. We aren't like other couples. He respects my boundaries completely, and I do the same for him. We have agreed no sex until I'm over 17, and we plan to keep it that way. I'm not stupid; I would NEVER give up my virginity at the age I am currently. Personally, I think it is WAY too young. I don't understand why many people I know have chosen to give themselves away to the first boy who says "I love you" to them.

I am not like that.

I put my boyfriend to the test when it comes to loving me. Fate has done the same, and I can honestly say that I know and am 100% sure that he does love me. And I still wouldn't give myself over to him. And it's not because I do not trust him, and it's not because I do not love him. Here's the reason why I won't: I don't want my first time to be some quick fumblings and gropings in the backseat of a car or quickly and quietly in my mother's basement. I honestly think anyone who chooses to cheapen something so valuable in that way IS too young to be trusted.

But I'm not heard and I'm not understood.
Also, my boyfriend isn't either. As soon as this hickey business came about, my aunt was very disappointed in him, and I cannot seem to understand WHY she chooses to feel that way about him and not the same towards me. It is MY body; and it was a mutual agreement that he could leave a mark there. Honestly, it was more of a game. This is how I actually GOT the hickey in question.

Story.....

....We were down the basement and we got into one of our famous tickle-fights.
I knocked him down to the ground and he started tickling me, and to stop him, I threatened to bite him. He didn't believe that I would do it, but apparently I was dead-set on him not tickling me, so I bit down hard on his upper arm. It left a bruise of sorts. I felt bad, and so I told him to bite me so that we would be even. He didn't want to, so I told him to leave a mark, but not somewhere immediately visible so my family wouldn't get the wrong idea. So since I was wearing one of my lower-cut shirts, he pulled it down about an inch and started biting.

See? It wasn't a love bite given in the heat of the moment during some wild sex; it was payback for what happened in the tickle fight.

Honestly, some people really jump to conclusions.

If only I could have explained....


Oh, and another thing. I don't understand these stupid, naive, ignorant teenage girls who have unprotected sex and then get pregnant or contract and STD. YOU WHORES GIVE BAD NAMES TO US RESPONSIBLE YOUNG PEOPLE WHO KNOW HOW TO CONTROL THEIR DESIRES AND KEEP OUT GOD DAMN LEGS CLOSED!!!

Thank you and goodnight.

:]

All the Girls Say I'm Pretty Fly... for a White Guy

Hey hey hey blogging world!! I'm in a pretty good mood today, even though it was painfully boring. I tye-dyed some shirts and my brother did a shirt of his, too. Then I accidentally "acid-dyed" by black shirt with bleach while cleaning up, but I made it look cool. Well, really retro, but cool nonetheless. I can't wait until this weekend, because my baby is coming down here to see me. I love him.

And when I touch your hand

It's then I understand

the beauty that's within

It's now that we begin

You always light my way

I hope there never comes a day

No matter where I go

I'll always feel you so

'Cause you're everywhere to me

And when I close my eyes it's you I see

You're everything I know

That makes me believe

I'm not alone

'Cause you're everywhere to me

And when I catch my breath

It's you I breathe

You're everything I know

That makes me believe

I'm not alone

You're in everyone I see

So tell me

Do you see me?

School's also coming to an end. I look foward to the summer. Then my love will be down here all the time and I will never be missing him. Hopefully. Because you can miss someone the moment their arms let go of you. C'est vrai.

Je t'adore, mon cher.

When Every Starfall Brought You to Tears Again

Hello blogging world. It's me, as usual. I just went to the nail salon yesterday, and they filed my left thumb all weird, so I just want my readers to know that I am literally going through pain to write this.

I saw the love of my life this weekend. It was pretty amazing. Nothing spectacular, except him. :] Tom came over and we all hung out, and then we went to the mall with RJ, and we all saw "Drag Me to Hell." It was a pretty good movie, but the ending was very upsetting and annoying. Tom would agree with me here, right, Tom? Anyway, Tom, Dave, and me all played DDR [I won] and FUSION FRENZYYYYY on my Xbox. It was so much fun.

The only damper on my weekend was when his mom came to pick him up. Despite the obvious reasons as to why this would be a damper, his mom also came in and asked him to talk to his grandfather, who is opposed to them coming down here [long story]. While my world was on the phone, his eyes got glassy and his angelic features twisted into a masque of sadness. The visage I dread. It almost made tears fall from my eyes, but since his were not falling yet, I decided that I must be strong. His grandfather hung up on him, which was very mean, since it was not mon ange's fault.

This makes me sad, because his face is always so happy when he is with me, but whenever his family gets involved, he gets sad. This is upsetting for me because he has to endure his family for a long time, but his friends he gets to see for only a few seconds, or so it seems. I feel so horrible for him because he deserves better than that. He deserves a loving, supportive atmosphere in which cruelty has no place.

I'm also very nervous because if his grandfather gets angry enough, he may do something unthinkable, like forbid them from coming down to Philadelphia. That deeply saddens me, and I don't want to sink into another depression. It's very sad. I always said that I can't wait until summertime, because then my love would be down here for long long looonnngg periods of time. I hope to the goddesses and gods above that this plan still works. Please, please don't let anything get in the way of that. Goddess, please.

Well, I should go study for finals.

My angel, we will endure.
Our love lasts miles.
And days.
And hours.
And weeks.
It always will.
I love you.
♥

I Miss You More Than I Did Yesterday.. So Far Away

Hello people of Earth (and wherever else you may be from). How is everyone today? I hope just dandy. I don't really know how I am today. Or how I have been the whole week. I feel odd. Detached. No clue why; I guess it's just one of those things. I miss my love like crazy; I haven't seen him in two weeks. It moved me to tears last night before I went to bed, which was really uncool because I was TRYING to get some sleep and my nose was blocked up like there was a Hoover Dam in there or something. It sounds like I'm sugar-coating this to make it seem like it didn't bug me, but this is exactly how I viewed it. Okay, maybe not exactly. I WAS sad. And it saddened me [hence the tears], but I'll endure.
Something that always scares me is that we will grow apart. My angel and me, I mean. Whenever I feel detached, I think that it will happen. We'll slowly go apart. And I desperately don't want that to happen. I will hold him by his sequined scarf so he won't go. I think I unconsciously separate myself from the rest of everyone because I'm scared of that. I know it sounds like that doesn't make sense, and it doesn't fully, but it does. Not sure how, but it does.
I love him dearly. And the pieces of myself are missing him with a longing, worse than that of a caged bird who longs to stretch his wings. And it hurts worse than those cramped wings. Goddess, it hurts. My eyes burn, my chest hurts, and random things stop. Like my reactions. To anything. Maybe that is the reason for my curious detachment. The only remedy for this is his arms. His lips. His smile. His eyes. His face. Him. My angel. His words of love tie me over, but they only do so much. I don't know why, but I need the reassurance that he loves me and that he will never leave me. We haven't spoken a lot because our schedules don't allot us that time, and that, I think, is the reason why I need the assurance.
Baby, please tell me you love me. I know you do, but I need to hear it.
I love you. I need you. I miss you. I want to hear you laugh; to see your smile; to see your eyes light up and sparkle in the moonlight when I'm in your arms; to be with you; to see your face scrunch up when I touch your nose. I love all of that. I miss all of that. I love you. I miss you. I need you.

In the Rain, the Pavements Shine Like Silver

Hello everyone. I have adopted the tradition of using song lyrics of the titles of my blogs. This one is a little obscure. It's from a song called "On My Own" from the musical, Les Miserables. I'm not exactly sure what the musical is about because I have never seen it, but I love the music that I've heard from it. It has a beautiful melody that twirls its flowing trails of music around your mind, ensnaring your emotions and manipulating them to be what they want them to be.

So, the song is very sad. Here are the lyrics:

On my own

Pretending he’s beside me

All aloneI walk with him till morning

Without him

I feel his arms around me

And when I loose my way

I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain

The pavement shines like silver

All the lights

Are misty in the river

In the darkness

The trees are full of starlight

And all I see is him and me

Forever and forever

And I know

It’s only in my mind

That I’m talking to myself

And not to him

And although

I know that he is blind

Still I say

There’s a way for us

I love him

But when the night is over

He’s gone

The river’s just a river

Without him

The world around me changes

The trees are bare

And everywhere

The streets are full of strangers

I love him

But every day I’m learning

All my life

I’ve only been pretending

Without me

His world will go on turning

A world that's full of happiness

That I have never known

I love him

I love him

I love him

But only on my own

So okay, I know it's sad, but it is so beautiful. You must listen. =] ♥

Think About You

[Here are some lyrics to a song the love of my life played for me.][They fit us perfectly.]

Think About You

Say baby you been lookin' real good

I remember when we met

Funny how it never felt so good

It's a feelin' that I knowI know I'll never forget

Ooh it was the best time

I can remember

Ooh and the love we shared-is lovin' that'll last forever

There wasn't much

in this heart of mine

There was a little left

and babe you found it

It's funny how I never felt so high

It's a feelin' that I know

I know I'll never forget

Ooh it was the best thing

I can remember

Ooh and the love we shared-

is lovin' that'll last forever

I think about you

Honey all the time

my heart says yes

I think about you

Deep inside I love you best

I think about you

You know you're the one I want

I think about you

Darlin' you're the only one

I think about you

Somethin' changed in this heart of mine

An' I'm so glad that ya showed me

Funny how I never felt so high

It's a feelin' that I know

I know I'll never forget

Ooh it was the best time

I can remember

Ooh and the love we shared-

is lovin' that'll last forever

-Guns 'n Roses

"Think About You"

Falling

This weekend was amazing. The love of my life and I danced to songs, we watched movies, and we went on a surprise picnic. I love him more than ever, and I don't care that he is far away because we'll always see each other in the end. That thought made me happy and I realize that I shouldn't be sad just because he's not here in body, because I know he's here in spirit. He has my heart and I his.

I'm

f

a

l

l

i

n

g

in love.

Again.

I love him and I know we will be together until the end.

Memories [In Honor of My Angel's and My Anniversary]

Hello everyone. I got Comcast today, so my posts will now be a little more regular. YAY!

There's a lot on my plate in school at the moment. Finals are coming up, and I'm super-stressed. I just need a little time where I'm not worrying about school or assignments due or drama or any of that.

As for this weekend; it was "fantasta-magical."

May 23 was the day that marked one year with my life; my love; my angel. It has been a tumultuous year, I must say. I'm going to remember some times during that year. I've gone into two or so depressions. Speaking of which, I remember....

**flashback sequence** I remember when my love told me he was leaving. He was moving. My heart shattered inside my chest as the words left his lips. My smile remained painted on my face, but my soul was crying. My eyes showed the pain, and that made it worse for my angel. I felt so bad. The days before he left passed so quickly; I found myself trying to forget the future: hold it in until he left and he wouldn't have to see me break down.

His last day was so painful for me, and for him as well, even though he acted as though it was okay. The day after that, it was raining. I took a walk; nobody could see me crying. I let my legs go and they went to his house. I knelt to the ground on the sidewalk and sobbed my heart out with the rain as my witness.

I went home, and went straight to my room. There, I lay in bed, shaking. My heart was broken. It hurt so bad. I couldn't stop crying; my eyes were swollen and my hands were wet with the waterfall issuing from my eyes. I eyed the razor on my desk and contemplated cutting my wrists open. I thought maybe it would distract me and make me feel better. I was so very close to doing so, until I realized that he would see the marks, and that would hurt him more. That was the only reason I didn't slice them open. So, you could say my angel saved my life.

So, I cried until I passed out.

Everything inside me went numb. I shut down completely. I only reacted to my surroundings, and barely that. I didn't eat or drink very much. At most, I'd eat something small every few days. The only reason I would drink is becuase I could feel myself dehydrating. I almost passed out several times. I was so weak, but I couldn't bring myself to eat. I was completely numb emotionally. The only thing I felt was pain and sadness, but I think my body shut that down too becuase I probably wouldn't have been able to handle it in its true form.

God, I never want to do that again. I saw myself in a mirror one day [I had been avoiding them] and I saw my eyes. Usually they are pretty shiny and bright. What I saw scared me beyond belief. They were dull. But more frighteningly, they were blank. There was no life in them whatsoever. I decided that I needed to snap back into it.

Slowly, the sadness faded.

It's still there, although it's not so bad. I can usually ignore it or keep it under the surface until I have a bad day or something. I must say, though, my eyes are never the same when he is not around. They never keep that sparkle; they never are as bright, never as alive as they are when he's around. They are only alive and sparkly around him. I love him so much. He saved my life, and he is my life.

I must say to my angel who is probably crying while reading this:

Baby, I can handle the pain. It doesn't even matter compared to the happiness I feel when you are around. They cancel out, and the happiness strongly overpowers the sad. Believe me, angel.

And please, please, please don't think that it is your fault. It was not. It never was; you give me only happiness.

I love you.

♥

Apologies

Hello everyone.
Internet status today: still down.
This really sucks.
I really hate Verizon… with passion.

Anyway, my week has been painfully free of phone conversations [this makes me sad]. However, my week has been [also painfully] full of drama. I remember I once mentioned a friend of mine in one of my earlier posts, and I’m talking about this person. The reason I’m not disclosing names is because this is a personal issue that they are dealing with and I don’t feel that I have the right to disclose personal information about a person, especially when it is accessible by anyone and everyone. Plus, they trusted me with this knowledge, and I keep secrets the best I can [which is pretty well, if I do say so myself].
Alright so my friend, who I will call T, has a problem. T cuts him/her self. T confided in me about this a while ago, and when I asked to see T’s wrists one day, T was reluctant to show me. Then another one of my friends named L asked me why I would say that, and I said quietly “because [s] he cuts him/her self.”
I already felt bad enough about this because I wasn’t planning on telling anyone T’s secret, and I felt really bad about it all day.
The next day, T came in with a bandaged wrist. I approached T and asked if [s] he cut. My worst fears were confirmed. T had. Tears sprang to my eyes as I caught a glimpse of a deep red, irritated slash that wasn’t fully covered by the wrap. A friend I used to know did that and had tried to commit suicide via cutting. It made me so sad and made me so scared and small. I didn’t want to lose T, and I didn’t want T to be hurt. I thought one of the reasons T did that was because I told L about it. It ate me up inside that one of those cuts was made with me in mind. I can’t stand that. I felt so guilty. I was sitting with T and our fairly large group of friends, and I looked over at T. T had such a sad look on his/her face when T looked at me, I started crying. Full-on tears. My friend R asked me what was wrong and I just said “I can’t sit here” and I went away.

I felt really bad. And I don’t think T will ever see this, but I just have a message for him/her.

T, we all love you. Everyone loves you. And those cuts on your wrists don’t hurt just you. They hurt Laura, they hurt Shanahan, they hurt Bobbert, they hurt Rashayshay, they hurt Yoshi, and they hurt me. I know you don’t want to tell me anything about why, and I know you probably don’t trust me enough yet to confide in me, but I just want you to know that I am here. I will listen. I will try to help. I know you probably think I betrayed you by telling L, and I’m truly sorry. I didn’t know it would affect you that badly. I’m so sorry, T. I’m so sorry. I just want everyone to be happy, and I don’t want you to hurt. Please just know that you can trust me, and that I’ll never tell anyone about your secrets again.
I feel like it was my fault that you did it.
I’m so sorry.

Can't Help Falling in Love with You...

Hello everyone.

Verizon Status of the Day: This internet thing has hit a new record low. Out of approximately one week, it has been up for less than one minute.
~~~
I came to a somewhat-expected realization today. Even though it was somewhat-expected, it was still a little surprising. I realize right now that people reading this are annoyed at me because I haven’t yet told them what my realization was. Patience, impatient readers; I have a little story before I tell you.
I love my boyfriend. More than anyone [including myself] will ever know. We have been together for almost one year, and it has been one of the best times of my life so far. He changed me into a better person, helped me through some tough s**t, and helped me view myself in a more positive light. He is the best friend; the only one I’d ever want.
Okay, so now it’s time for my realization. [For those who skipped that to read this part, as my friend tom would say: DEATH!][J]
My realization was this: that I have fallen even deeper in love with this amazing angel of mine. I used to just be in love with him. I mean, I loved him a dazzlingly large amount before, but now; it’s different. I love him on a different level. It’s deeper. I realize that I don’t trust many, but him I now realize I trust completely. This is a little scary for someone like me, but going out on a branch, knowing full well that I could fall and that branch could snap, doesn’t seem so scary since it is my angel that I’m trusting. I realize now that our relationship is much more different than the superficial high school drama ones that I see around me so often. I mean, the bond is there [most of the time] but it isn’t deep enough to last a lifetime. I think ours is. I have faith in us, and my psychic dreams aren’t usually wrong [ask my friends]. I realize now that lying in his arms is the only place I want to be. It literally is paradise. My personal heaven. If I died, that would be my Summerland. It is now.
I look forward to the days when we live together; when we can do whatever we want; where we don’t have to hide our feelings for each other. I look forward to laughing with him at tacky Sci-Fi channel horror movies late at night. I look forward to falling asleep in his arms every night. I look forward to waking up at my first sight being his beautiful face.
His beauty transcends the superficial. It stretches through his personality; his soul. He possesses a unique beauty that is one of the most amazing things with which I have ever come into contact. It is a blessing knowing him. My angel once said: Every time you look at me, w/ your loving eyes and beautiful smile, my dream comes true. A dream is knowing you. Heaven is being loved by you. I’m in love with you and always will be.♥

Take my hand,
Take my whole life, too
‘Cause I can’t help falling in love with you.
-[some older song]

Poem

Ugh, today has been an overall boring day because the love of my life left earlier in the day. I dread asking that horrid question: “When are you going to be picked up?” I like to appreciate every single moment we share together, since they are painfully few, so I have to ask that question so I can cherish those last few moments. I love him with all of my heart so I want all the time I can get with him. I have no idea when my internet connection will be back up, so that basically translates into me not having much time to speak to my love, which I really hate. I want to murder Verizon. But, guess what?!?!? Justice [and my mom] prevailed! I am switching providers from Verizon [die!] to Comcast [u had better be good or else!]. The only downside is that I have to wait two more weeks until the Verizon tech comes out.
I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I love him so much.


I love you with all my heart.
I knew that ever since the start
Of the blossom of our love,
Took root in the heavens above.

Someone divine likes us up there.
At least someone knows how much I care.
I love you more than you’ll ever know;
That’s why I hate it when you have to go.

One of these days we will stay as one
We will watch the rising of the sun
I’ll be in your arms, protected and safe,
Loneliness with forever be a wraith,

Untouchable to you and me
Because with you, I’ll always be.

Just tell me you love me,
And I’ll always be there,
As I softly trace the features of your face,
As you kiss me and play with my hair.

I love you, angel.
♥
♥
♥

The Notebook and Strawberries

Hello, readers. Most of you probably know by now that I have a boyfriend who I love very, very much. This weekend was one of the amazing ones, mostly because he was with me. He and I watched the Notebook last evening. It was one of the oddest experiences I have ever, well… experienced. During one of the more dramatic parts in the movie, I was tracing the [almost] flawless features of his angelic face, when a single tear fell down out of his eye. I asked him what was wrong while holding back my own tears. He sat up and said “The movie.”
He cried at a chick flick before I did. And I am the girl? I think not. After I declared this, he started laughing. Or sobbing? I was not sure. I asked him, and he said that he himself did not know. So, through my tears, I started laughing. It was odd, because I was crying and laughing, but neither emotion was stronger than the other. We did this until I declared that we needed tissues. Then it was time for food. What food did he choose? Strawberries, of course. Nature’s sweet, sexy, red little aphrodisiac. THAT was fun. ;)
We resumed the movie, and for all who have seen it, know exactly why we were still bawling out eyes out ten minutes after the movie was over.
He made a statement to me that made my eyes tear; this time with joy, love, and happiness. He actually said, in words, verbally, out loud: “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” Just like that. I knew right then, from the look of love in his eyes, and the softest of soft kisses placed on my tear-stained lips that he meant it. And I knew from my reaction and the swelling of my heart in my chest that I wanted the exact same thing. I want to spend my life with him. I want to never be apart from him. And it is guaranteed that he is coming over in two weeks, on the very special day of May 23, 2009. That day marks one year that my soul mate and I have been together. Granted, it wasn’t an easy year; there were many troubles, but they were overshadowed by the extreme happiness and love I have felt. It’s more happiness than I have felt in my entire lifetime. And he’s crazy if he thinks for even one second that I’m going to let go of that. I’m not sure of anything in life, but I am completely secure in the knowledge that he loves me and I love him too.

waiting

Hello once again. My internet is not working [a situation that has become the norm; I’m afraid], so I’m currently transcribing this in a normal word document, which I hate doing.
So, tomorrow, the love of my life and I will be reunited. I imagine that it will be amazing, as usual, since he never is anything less. I honestly wish that Verizon died because then I would be able to talk to him without dropped calls, rushed words, and stressful evenings. I’m a high school student; I don’t need any additional stress.
I’m starting to wonder why I even bothered to get a blog in the first place. You see, my original idea was to talk about relevant topics in politics and international affairs; the economy and the like. But as you can see, that idea quickly went down the drain, simply because I am a writer, and writer’s block and I are very good frenemies. Plus, my personal opinions about other topics oozed into my posts, so I gave up and decided to write up whatever my mind conjures.
Today I don’t want to address anything in particular, so I suppose I’ll just talk and something good will come out of it. So, as I was saying earlier before I was rudely distracted by my psyche: my boyfriend. I don’t really like that word “boyfriend” because it makes things seem so superficial. I’d prefer to call him “my love” or “my angel” or “my soul mate” because it describes my feelings towards him a lot better.
He’s coming down to my house tomorrow. Like the stereotypical girl, my first thought was “What should I wear?” and I fancy his first reaction, like a stereotypical girl, was “What do I wear?”
Then of course I realize he won’t be seen by me until around 5pm because we both have school. Damn governmental institutions!
I see that I’m rambling. Well, farewell blog readers.

Dancing Shoes

I don’t understand a lot of things going on in my life at this point in time. One of the major things I don’t understand is why the fates have separated me from my love. I hold no animosity towards them obviously, but I don’t understand why they decided to do this to us. I see couples around school all the time who take each other for granted. I also see that they don’t really love each other. I wonder why fate hasn’t taken them away from each other. I am deeply envious of my friends who are together, and I cannot keep those ugly emotions inside very long. My friends always want to go be alone, and so they ditch me in the mornings sometimes. It used to not really bother me much, but then one day one of my friends asked me about my sadness [u see that morning I had forgotten my "happy mask"] and I confided in her. Since then, she's felt bad about going away to be alone with her girlfriend. That doesn’t make me feel any better. I feel bad then because I am hindering their relationships; I don’t want to be a hanger-on. I know my friends love me, but I don’t want to ask them to stay with me. Unfortunately, they see the sadness in my eyes when I insist that I don’t mind that they go away. One time, I was very sad because my love couldn’t make it to see me, and plus, Tuesdays are the worst day of the week for me. They all left except for our only other single member, whom we affectionately call toast. Toast and I are sitting there, and I start to think about how happy I would be if my love went to my school, and to my intense surprise [and dismay] tears begin to well up in the corners of my eyes. I don’t think toast saw them, but I walked quickly to my homeroom. I don’t want repeats of that day. I don’t want my friends to pity me. I don’t want their sympathy. I don’t want the sadness. I don’t want the tears. I don’t want to be the hanger-on; the third wheel. This is what I want. It isn’t much, but it’s what I want. I want it more badly than a starving man wants food; more than a plant wants sunlight. I want the love of my life to live near where I do. I want him to go to school where I do. I want [when we get older] for the love of my life to live near me. I want him always beside me. I want it so we don’t have to be without one another anymore. I never want us to be apart.
The most I can do now, I suppose, is wait it out; count the years on my fingers until our hearts are restored. I can pray to Artemis for strength. I can pray to Athena for wisdom and guidance. I can pray to Demeter because she knows my pain. I can pray to Hermes, the Wayfinder, to send my messages of love to my angel.
A quote my friend once found said "life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass; it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
I should try that.
Strength and dancing shoes, I suppose.

erm..

Hello blogging world. I decided to go out on a limb and put one of my own written works out there on the net. I'm pretty proud of it; it's the best thing I've written besides the tragedy of Emily and Michael. It's about a kiss; a very passionate kiss. This is how my love makes me feel whenever his lips touch mine. I hope y'all like it.
Here goes:

Your eyes, dazzling orbs of amber,

Look into mine;

Dancing,

Swimming with promises and desire.

My lips tingle in anticipation, and my gaze drops

To your lips;

Tantalizing in the uncertain, dim moonlight.

Your eyes burn into mine;

Blazing with desire.

I can take it no longer!

I begin to close the distance between us,

Slowly, slowly,

Adding to the atmosphere;

The air so thick I cannot draw a breath.

Then, bliss!

Our lips meet, pressing,

pressing,

Moving against each other, building the friction,

The bittersweet heat.

My tongue dances behind my lips.

My mind is a haze,

Focused only on this kiss.

My hands slowly run up your sides,

Making you tremble and gasp.

I close your body in an embrace.

Your sweet tongue sweeps over my lips,

Teasing;

Inviting.

My lips part, and I gently explore the sacred place where the souls lie.

The essence of our lives, our deepest secrets,

Pass through one body to another.

My pulse quickens;

My blood boils

And I am out of my mind with the rush of sensation.

You withdraw, eyes closed,

Lost in the heat of the moment.

Your mouth trails from my lips,

Over my cheek,

Blazing a scalding-hot trail

Down to the sensitive flesh of my throat.

I feel your breath on my neck,

Stimulating the nerves just under your lips.

You torture,

You tease,

As your tongue dances lightly upon my skin.

A sigh escapes my lips,

My breathing escalates,

My heart thunders in my ears.

Time seems to slow,

and your lips finally touch the delicate covering of my throat.

You gently pull on the soft skin.

Your hands snake up my spine,

Caressing my arms,

My sides,

My back,

All the way up to the nape of my neck,

Tousling the hair.

My lips yearn for yours;

My body craves contact.

I pull you closer,

Squeezing you to me until we are so close we are one.

My hands gently tug at your hair,

Imploring you,

Begging you to take my kiss.

You slowly raise your head and cover my lips with yours.

Release!

My hands race over your body,

Stroking your sides.

We slowly pull apart.

You look into my eyes with a look-

A look of love and happiness.

My mind reels with a dazzling feeling of euphoria.

After you leave,

The memory of that kiss lingers;

Lingers on my lips like the last rays of sun

Remain etched into the night sky just after dusk.

And I sit alone;

My lips longing

For yours again.

So, So, So, So

Hello, blogging world. I haven't written in awhile, and I'm giving in to peer pressure, seeing as all my fellow blogger peoples have all posted things.

Life seems to have come to a standstill for me. I'm just hanging onto a couple of strings in limbo. But it's okay; I have a good grip on the strings, and I'm pretty comfortable right now. I'm feeling pretty good. The school year is coming to a close, my friends and me are all on good terms, and I've been pretty mellow. The wheel of the year is turning pretty smoothly. I'm not trying to worry about the future, because there are some things I'd rather not think about in the future.

All of my other friends seem to have some problems, and I'm trying to help them out. Recently, I discovered one of my friends was in love with this very lovable girl, and it seems the feeling is not reciprocal. Sadly, this wonderful girl is going to be strolling on another nation's soil in a while, and he doesn't seem to know what to do. I don't know either.

Doesn't it seem weird that one minute, life can be flying so fast past your eyes you feel sick, and at other times, it's traipsing along the beach. It's pretty amazing. I look foward to the new season around the wheel. Summer. I dislike the heat, but I will get some more time with the love of my life.

Speaking of which, we are doing very well at this point. I have no worries, and neither should he. We are very much in love and nothing will be getting between us anytime soon. Just take your time. As a friend of mine said, "Life's not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I think I'm going to start dancing in the rain. It sounds fun. I just need to put my dancing shoes on and dance.

I'm just really mellow at the moment, and to all of those with problems out there, I have something I would like to say to you. Even though you probably won't believe me, everything is going to work out in the end. It is for me.

--Pation [Follow Up to Antici--]

Hello everyone.
The day that I had been anticipating [for lack of a better word] came and went. It was the most amazing day of my young life. I loved every minute of it. The lake was absolutely beautiful. My favourite place to be is floating on the surface of the water. I feel so full of grace and I feel full of the water's energy, and the Seirenes' beauty. After swimming for awhile [in my case, floating], my love's brother and his cousin left, so we had some alone time. He was lying on the dock, and i approached him and lay down next to him. We lay like that, basking in Helios' warmth and in the sweet silence.

I felt, in that moment, all of the love. The cliche "love is in the air" was literally true in that instance. I knew, in a split second, that those beautiful amber eyes held more love for me than I have ever seen in my entire existence here on Earth. I saw the whole world reflected in his eyes, and it was breathtaking. They were so beautiful, I almost cried. My eyes, as pretty as they are, have never glinted and sparkled so softly and gently as his did in that moment. I hope my grey-blue eyes reflected the love in his. I feel the same wasy about him. I love him. I love him. I love him. My heart swelled larger than the lake with all the love I felt and currently feel. He is the most beautiful being I have ever layed my eyes on, in heart, face, body, and soul. He is a miracle. And he is mine. <3

Antici---

Hello people. Have you ever been in a situation where you cannot WAIT for something to happen? Where you are about to explode with that anticipation? Where you can’t go five seconds without thinking about what is coming? Well, this is how I feel right now.
The love of my life is taking me with his family up to a campsite for the day. I absolutely cannot wait until that moment when he knocks at the door and I see his beautiful face and radiant smile illuminate my house as he steps over the threshold. I can’t wait until we’re messing with each other in the lake, or walking together down a path under the trees. I can’t wait until I’m holding his hand and my lips are near his.
I don’t know why, but I feel extra-impatient waiting to see him this week. This is very uncharacteristic of me. I don’t really understand it. Well, love can never be understood, can it? I know, I’m stepping away from my optimistic pessimism for a bit and showing some optimism, straight-up.
Well, people, I will fill you in as soon as I can.

Muffins vs. Cupcakes

Hi people. I have recently seen a funny saying on a T-shirt that said “Muffins are just ugly cupcakes.” I find this statement to be completely ridiculous because, from my understanding, muffins came BEFORE cupcakes.
Here’s how I thought it went down: [story time! Gather round the campfire, kids!]
It was 1363, medieval England. The sun was just about to rise above the lip of the horizon. John the baker was lighting the ovens in his bakery, whistling a happy tune. Ye Olde Bakery was the best bakery in all of the land. Everyone loved it, and everyone was friends with John. The children loved him because he always gave them a small piece of honey-cake, fresh from the ovens, whenever their family bought a loaf of bread from him. He made good bread, but his cakes were even better. They were world-renowned. The King of England knew of his cakes. Poppyseed cakes, honey cakes, rum cakes, strawberry short cakes, apple cakes, and the most well-known: John’s own Blueberry cake. Mary, the smith’s wife, always gave John a basket of ripe blueberries for his blueberry cakes in exchange for one of them after he made them. There was only one problem with these cakes. They were too large! People would be carrying them in the streets, and they would need to ask the help of another to carry it all!
One day, while John was icing the top of his latest berry cake, a squire of the king’s entered his shop! In he walked, looking regal in the King’s coat of arms, with a short scroll in his hand. He looked at John with a calculating eye as John finished icing his cake.
“Can I help you, sir?” John asked.
“I have here a message from His Majesty regarding your blueberry cake. It seems to have gathered quite a reputation around the castle halls. The message reads: ‘I am holding a royal ball in a fortnight, and I would like you to bake several of your world-famous cakes for me to serve as a desert. I only request that you make the cakes so that it is one serving in a cake. My subjects and my court must be able to hold them in their hands while they socialize.’”
John just nodded his head. The squire took this as an okay, and left. He immediately went to the smith’s house and asked Mary if he could speak with her husband. She got him from his room. John explained his plight. He had no baking tins that would make individual cakes! The Smith had an idea. He took a piece of regular sheet metal and pounded six tiny round impressions in it. John marveled at the tins. He rushed back and cooked his cakes. They looked wonderful! They had little “hats” on the top, and they were cooked perfectly!!!
The king loved them, and the official name of the delicious little cakes were Most Up For Food In New States, but they decided that it didn’t makes sense, so they shortened it to “muffins.”
So, clearly cupcakes came first. Why would someone make little cakes with icing? They would make hearty cakes for common people. There is no fact that I know of in that story, but that’s how I fancy it happened.
Cupcakes are prissy. They are small and made of just one type of batter. The icing takes away from the taste because it’s that icky sugary bakery icing or it’s that buttercream icing that tastes like you just bit into a stick of butter.
Muffins are so cool, they don’t need to look pretty. The taste says it all.
I have concluded that cupcakes are muffins that are trying too hard.

Wacky Internet and the Offspring

Hello everyone. To be honest, I am not doing too well at this moment in time. I want to go to the Verizon Headquarters [wherever that may be] and stab out the eyes of every single person. Then I want to choke them with their unreliable phone cords. Before you call the cops on me, just let me clarify that I am NOT a psycho, and I would NEVER do those things. I mean, I’m a pacifist people! Jeez. But yes. It seems that with all of the strides the human race has made in technology, we haven’t really improved anything. Sure, dial-up Internet service was as slow as a slug, and the dial-up noise made you want to pull your hair out, but it was reliable, am I right? I miss CompuServe with a passion right now. I’d give anything for the drab-looking background and the annoying “You have mail” announcement. I don’t care that I couldn’t surf the web while gabbing on the phone; I didn’t need to. But now, when the love of my life is 70 miles away, the telephone is the only way I can contact him. As I look at those evil green lights going on and off at odd intervals, I can’t help but wonder WHY people would pay so much for a stupid little box that can’t recognize the username OR the network after you reconfigured it 3 god-damn times! Technology sucks, my friends; it’s as simple as that.
Anybody know what song is playing on 93.3 WMMR and 94.1 WYSP incessantly??!?! It’s “Self-Esteem” by the Offspring. I like the sound of this song, but not what it represents. The singer is describing himself as in a relationship where he “knows he’s being used” but it’s okay because he “likes the abuse.” Are you honestly going to feed that to a population of teenage boys, most of which puberty wasn’t kind to [to say the least]? I mean, it’s enough to tell female listeners that it’s okay to reject them and use them like they’re maxed-out credit cards, but to make it seem like it is okay for a male to take advantage of a drunken teenage girl, even IF she’s asking for it! I mean what the hell? Is this what adolescence has come to? Are these the standards by which our young are supposed to live?
Sorry. As I step off of my soapbox, I just have one thing to say to Vonage: [kiddies, cover your eyes]
F*** YOU!

An Interesting Article

Happy Jesus-comes-back-as-a-zombie-bunny day! Well, at least that is what I call it. As some of you know, Wiccans don't celebrate Christian Easter, we celebrate Ostara or Ostare, a celebration of the light and renewal that lovely spring brings. Many scholars agree [and so do I] that the Christian Easter has strong, apparent roots in Pagan celebrations of old. Here is an article I found at: http://www.history.com/content/easter/pagan-origins. I do not own the article. I just find it interesting.

Pagan Origins
Easter, a Christian festival, embodies many pre-Christian traditions. The origin of its name is unknown. Scholars, however, accepting the derivation proposed by the 8th-century English scholar St. Bede, believe it probably comes from Eastre, the Anglo-Saxon name of a Teutonic goddess of spring and fertility, to whom was dedicated a month corresponding to April. Her festival was celebrated on the day of the vernal equinox; traditions associated with the festival survive in the Easter rabbit, a symbol of fertility, and in colored easter eggs, originally painted with bright colors to represent the sunlight of spring, and used in Easter-egg rolling contests or given as gifts.
Such festivals, and the stories and legends that explain their origin, were common in ancient religions. A Greek legend tells of the return of Persephone, daughter of Demeter, goddess of the earth, from the underworld to the light of day; her return symbolized to the ancient Greeks the resurrection of life in the spring after the desolation of winter. Many ancient peoples shared similar legends. The Phrygians believed that their omnipotent deity went to sleep at the time of the winter solstice, and they performed ceremonies with music and dancing at the spring equinox to awaken him.
The Christian festival of Easter probably embodies a number of converging traditions; most scholars emphasize the original relation of Easter to the Jewish festival of Passover, or Pesach, from which is derived Pasch, another name for Easter. The early Christians, many of whom were of Jewish origin, were brought up in the Hebrew tradition and regarded Easter as a new feature of the Passover festival, a commemoration of the advent of the Messiah as foretold by the prophets.
An article from Funk & Wagnalls® New Encyclopedia. © 2005 World Almanac Education Group, A WRC Media Company

Alright. Have a happy holiday, whatever it may be.

Throughout this post, I posted some funny pictures I found around the Internet. I meant no offence to anyone. Sorry if I did offend someone; it wasn't my intention.

=)

<3>

Friendship

friend 
/frɛnd/
–noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. (initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.

Hello, everyone.
I recently reconnected with a very close group of friends; some of which I have known since 2nd grade; some of which I had met just last year. Despite that gap, we are as close as a family. Everyone has that one person in their life, that ONE person who just understands you; where you're coming from and who you are. Those are those people in my life. I love every single one of them.
I often tell them that we could film a soap opera about the group and it would get better ratings than General Hospital, and now that I think on it, there is a lot of drama in our group, but we still end up together at the end of it all. I consider them my family, because they are. There's the crazy uncle, the weirdo brothers, the close sister, and the quiet, hilarious cousin. They're my best friends and they are also the only people that know basically everything about me.
I can see us still holding "group meetings" ten years from now, dancing around and singing "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey and "Good Riddance" by Green Day; laying on each other while watching movies; veggin' out on pizza and Mountain Dew/ Monster in front of the TV, beating the crap out of each other with swimming noodles, fake light sabers, and blow-up bats. The awesome memories we have are burnt into my memory like a tattoo that will never go away. [Nostalgic moment] The memories bring tears to my eyes because I realize that no matter what schools we go to, no matter how far each of us moves away, and no matter what path we choose, we will all be together at the end of it all.
I have truly been blessed by the higher-ups with these amazing people as my friends. We all have our kinky-kink-kinks {(Dane Cook) and our quirks, but together, we create an unstoppable force of pure love. Not necessarily romantic love, but a deep bond that really close families share. I love every one of them and I wouldn't hesitate to put my own neck on the chopping block to save any one of them.
Sometimes I think of WHY I should get out of bed in the morning, and I think of them and all of us dancing the Time Warp and strutting to Sweet Transvestite, and torturing each other with our screeching renditions of old rock songs, and I realize that those are the moments everyone lives for. And I have the privelege of sharing those moments with all thosse great people.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

It was a mild, spring Sunday. The sun was shining, the flowers budding, and there was a cool breeze blowing past the navy blue van pulling into the parking lot of a Wal-Mart.

So there I was. In the electronics section, one hand holding my little brother's, one hand poised over a rack of DVDs. My eyes scanned titles, searching, searching, for the fabled RHPS. I told my brother to go wait beside a display of random DVDs while I called my mother. My brother, being the clumsy little kid he was, backed into the display, knocking down a single DVD.

There it lay, facedown on the floor. With a small sigh of exasperation and a fake smile, I knelt to grab the DVD and put it back in its home.

I looked down at the cover with mild interest, and to my intense surprise, a large pair of bright red lips looked back at me. Was that a man dressed like a woman poised at the entrance of the mouth?

Puzzled, I looked up at the title words. "The Rocky Horror Picture Show."

That was the story of how I found one of the greatest movies on the face of this planet. Made in 1975, its wacky characters and twisted plot have gathered a steady cult fanbase. I am a member of this fanbase.

I fell in love with Dr. Frank-N-Furter's opening line "How do you do, I see you've met my faithful handyman."

People say that the movie is stupid, and a dear friend of mine says the plot is hard to explain, but it isn't.

Basics: A couple engaged to be married starts on a journey to see an old teacher. They take a wrong turn and end up at a castle, where they enter and are greeted by the owner, a "sweet transvestite from transsexual, Transylvania," none other than Dr. Frank-N-Furter. He is currently working on a sex partner named Rocky Horror. [Did I mention he's bisexual?] What follows is a wacky journey involving cheating, gay sex, straight sex, biceps, triceps, garters, fishnets, and a whole lot of everything.

But that's just one small fraction of the main attraction.

Watch and enjoy. You'll want to do the Time Warp again and again. =]

GATTACA

Hey readers, sorry I haven't posted in so long. It's past midnight and I have nothing better to do.
In my biology class [the last one before spring break], we began watching a movie called GATTACA. For people who are stupid or who don't remember what happened in their biology class, the letters T,C,A, and G are the letters in the so-called "DNA language" that it uses for coding and that RNA uses for transcription, yatta yatta yatta.
Anyway, the point is that we were assigned to write a reaction paper to the movie, and I decided to post my thoughts in my blog.
The movie shows a certain insight into the human condition. It shows that no matter how far we have come in the advances of technology, people will still be twisted and corrupt and have their little imperfections. GATTACA is about the genetic modification of human beings. Scientists had found a way to code out any possible physical deformities or health issues [one example used was heart disease]. But, as the movie shows, it is impossible to "code out" the core things that make us human. Greed will always be there, as will ego and arrogance. Apathy, bigotry, you name it, all character flaws are ours. You could argue that this is a good thing, but I prefer to bring my pessimism into it because I myself am a bit of a pessimist.
Humans have always held this idea of the Utopia, a fabled land of wealth and peace.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but I am afraid that it is impossible to have Utopia and people at the same time. Look at it this way: everything we get involved in we screw up.
Watch:
Agrculture: we overfarmed land and we're eating up the precious rainforest, which is contributing to Mother Earth's ultimate demise.
Interdependence: wars
Peace: war
evolution: we took everything over [being the arrogant, pushy things we are] and ruined it for every other species known to us.

Watch: ask any person to tell you the origins of life. They will tell you the entire story and end it with some extravagant statement like this : And then humans came along.
Oh my goodness!!! FINALLY! HUMANS!
Are we so arrogant to think that we are the best the universe has to offer? Are we so arrogant to think that the universe has stopped developing just becuase of our pitiful existence on one small speck of a planet in the vast sea of the universe? No, we're not.
Evolution did NOT stop with the creation of man. It's happening all around us.
Embrace it. We're not the best. We're not the end-all beat-all. So stop acting like it.

Just Religion

Hey everyone. By now it has probably made clear by the pentagram to the right that I am not Christian, and with a conspiracy like that, I wouldn't want to be. I'm not dissing them; to each his own, but I just notice some flaws in their philosophy. I don't think it's fair that there is this huge rich/poor discrepancy between the highest "boss" dude in the church hierarchy and the lower worshippers. Why is it that the bishops and the pope and all the other higher-ups drive BMWs and Rolls Royces and wear these bling-ed-out crosses with gold and diamonds in them? Last time I checked, they were supposed to take a vow of poverty, and if I understand it right, there is nothing in that vow that says that they can live in the lap of luxury.

I also have a problem with confessions. I mean, you can be the most evil, vile person, break all ten commandments, commit the seven deadly sins [I can never remember them], and then you go into this tiny box the blurt it all out to your priest, and he tell you to go do 30 hail mary's and you're forgiven? And then you're back on the streets again, to go be a hypocrite.

I feel bad for the true believers, not the takers-what-they-want-from-it, who ruin it all for the true-blues. I really have a lot of respect for a person who can trust in something so completely, who can love someone unconditionally, based on nothing but one sole body of text.

Break in the Tradition

love /lʌv/

–noun
1.a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3.sexual passion or desire.
4.a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5.(used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6.a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7.sexual intercourse; copulation.
8.(initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9.affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10.strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11.the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.

Hey everyone; I'm going to break the normal tradtition of my blog posts and I just want to write a reply to a certain post I read by someone else; they know who they are, or at least they will in the next few sentences I write.

No one should be faced with empty apologies from those that should love them and cherish them unconditionally; no one should lie sleepless at night wondering how they will help their brother do well in school; no one should take on the responsibility of an adult in early adolescence; no one should have to worry about whether or not their parents are okay and alive; no one should have to carry their parents to bed and assure THEM that everything is okay.

Someone who does this has character; someone who takes up these responsibilities is older than their age, and they shouldn't need to be like this. Someone as wonderful and amazing as the person I am talking about doesn't deserve this.

But what I want this person to know is that they have someone who looks out for them. They have a shoulder to cry on, arms to hug them, and lips to assure them that it is all gonna be okay. I want this person to know that I will always be there, and though I cannot change the past, I can sure as hell affect the future, and as long as it is in my power, this person will have an endless stream of love and support.

When I agreed to be there for this person, I didn't know that there was so much stress and unnecessary heartache and sadness behind the facade. Now I know. And I want them to know that no matter how much sh-, I mean stuff that they are faced with, I am there for them. They don't know how much I love them, and they don't know how much I feel for them, and they NEVER will know how much I care. I have something for them that they should have had a long time ago: unconditional love and affection. I will always be there for them and I hope they know that I am not going anywhere. I am a strong person; I will be able to take on any problems of theirs along with mine.

They are (contrary to their belief) NOT a nuisance, a burden, a trouble, or any of those synomyms. They are, in fact (again, contrary to their belief) a blessing, a miracle. My shadow of an existence has been lit up by their charisma, their happiness, their kindness, their warmth. I love them so deeply, so much, that their pain is mine.

I know just as well as they do that it kills them that Fate has spereated us, but I want them to know I am as close to them as I have ever felt. The distance kills me sometimes, my heart has been torn apart and scattered across the highway seperating us. The miles are like knives, seventy sharp, piercing knives driven through me, and I bleed all the time. It hurts, but I put on a smile and I bear the pain, because I know that in two weeks, my heart will be restored, and that the knives will stop hurting me. But those hours we spend together are cut short like a cruel joke. Hours become seconds; they slip through my fingers like sand through a sieve. But those weeks, they pass so slowly. Two weeks are two years, stretched out across my life, but somehow the pain is numbed whenever I hear their voice, remember their smile, hear their beautiful little laugh, the whispered words of love through the phone receiver. I hate that phone, but I do love that person. I hope they read this and they know who they are. <3