Memories [In Honor of My Angel's and My Anniversary]

Hello everyone. I got Comcast today, so my posts will now be a little more regular. YAY!

There's a lot on my plate in school at the moment. Finals are coming up, and I'm super-stressed. I just need a little time where I'm not worrying about school or assignments due or drama or any of that.

As for this weekend; it was "fantasta-magical."

May 23 was the day that marked one year with my life; my love; my angel. It has been a tumultuous year, I must say. I'm going to remember some times during that year. I've gone into two or so depressions. Speaking of which, I remember....

**flashback sequence** I remember when my love told me he was leaving. He was moving. My heart shattered inside my chest as the words left his lips. My smile remained painted on my face, but my soul was crying. My eyes showed the pain, and that made it worse for my angel. I felt so bad. The days before he left passed so quickly; I found myself trying to forget the future: hold it in until he left and he wouldn't have to see me break down.

His last day was so painful for me, and for him as well, even though he acted as though it was okay. The day after that, it was raining. I took a walk; nobody could see me crying. I let my legs go and they went to his house. I knelt to the ground on the sidewalk and sobbed my heart out with the rain as my witness.

I went home, and went straight to my room. There, I lay in bed, shaking. My heart was broken. It hurt so bad. I couldn't stop crying; my eyes were swollen and my hands were wet with the waterfall issuing from my eyes. I eyed the razor on my desk and contemplated cutting my wrists open. I thought maybe it would distract me and make me feel better. I was so very close to doing so, until I realized that he would see the marks, and that would hurt him more. That was the only reason I didn't slice them open. So, you could say my angel saved my life.

So, I cried until I passed out.

Everything inside me went numb. I shut down completely. I only reacted to my surroundings, and barely that. I didn't eat or drink very much. At most, I'd eat something small every few days. The only reason I would drink is becuase I could feel myself dehydrating. I almost passed out several times. I was so weak, but I couldn't bring myself to eat. I was completely numb emotionally. The only thing I felt was pain and sadness, but I think my body shut that down too becuase I probably wouldn't have been able to handle it in its true form.

God, I never want to do that again. I saw myself in a mirror one day [I had been avoiding them] and I saw my eyes. Usually they are pretty shiny and bright. What I saw scared me beyond belief. They were dull. But more frighteningly, they were blank. There was no life in them whatsoever. I decided that I needed to snap back into it.

Slowly, the sadness faded.

It's still there, although it's not so bad. I can usually ignore it or keep it under the surface until I have a bad day or something. I must say, though, my eyes are never the same when he is not around. They never keep that sparkle; they never are as bright, never as alive as they are when he's around. They are only alive and sparkly around him. I love him so much. He saved my life, and he is my life.

I must say to my angel who is probably crying while reading this:

Baby, I can handle the pain. It doesn't even matter compared to the happiness I feel when you are around. They cancel out, and the happiness strongly overpowers the sad. Believe me, angel.

And please, please, please don't think that it is your fault. It was not. It never was; you give me only happiness.

I love you.

♥